someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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