Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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