I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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