I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
