This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
