I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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