I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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