I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
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