I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
