I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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