she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
