I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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