i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
