I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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