Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
