There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
