He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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