Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
