she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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