I wish I could punch you in the face.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
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I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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