I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
