Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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