just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
