It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
