Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
