How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
