I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
