My girlfriend figured out who you are.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
