The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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