I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
