Texts From Last Night

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  (804): View more from Virginia

  You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.

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  (804): You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic. (1-804): If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator. http://tfl.nu/r2b2
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?

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  (586): Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low? http://tfl.nu/jj2a
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.

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  (203): I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do. http://tfl.nu/muw0
  Replies (16) Good night (3097) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"

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  (484): then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon" http://tfl.nu/oypv
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before

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  (630): between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before http://tfl.nu/2m53
  Replies (45) Good night (522) Bad night (4792)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.

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  (217): i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair. http://tfl.nu/v80o
  Replies (25) Good night (1166) Bad night (6952) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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  (307): first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester. http://tfl.nu/skng
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  (510): View more from California

  Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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  (510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/2xfe
  Replies (34) Good night (1632) Bad night (9700) Order T-Shirt
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  (+91): View more from India

  I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.

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  (+91): I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin. http://tfl.nu/d09o
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.

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  (361): I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots. http://tfl.nu/podd
  Replies (8) Good night (2042) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does

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  (207): I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does http://tfl.nu/xjqc
  Replies (2) Good night (519) Bad night (1545) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.

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  (562): Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester. http://tfl.nu/c099
  Replies (3) Good night (1503) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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  (919): Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die http://tfl.nu/o1vm
  Replies (4) Good night (1302) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.

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  (202): You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole. http://tfl.nu/s7os
  Replies (2) Good night (750) Bad night (304) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.

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  (801): I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow. http://tfl.nu/o553
  Replies (8) Good night (824) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt

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