tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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