Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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