Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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