Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
