yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
