Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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