I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
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Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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