Dude my mom stole all your condoms
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I need to stop coming to work sober
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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