I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You ruined the universe
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
