I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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