real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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