are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
