Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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