it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
