Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
