I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
