trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
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I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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