I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
