i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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