the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Let's get the cat blown out
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
