i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
