A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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