Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
