I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
