They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
