Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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