I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
