I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
