I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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