Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
